Text Messaging for Men

Let’s face it. Most men like scatalogical humor to some degree. That’s the only explanation behind Adam Sandler’s and Will Ferrell’s success at the box office. And yeah, I know. You don’t like scat humor - you try to keep it classy. You’d rather go see something of quality with Ethan Hawke in it, and you get your wife, girlfriend, husband, or lover roses on his or her birthday.

Well, I get my wife roses, too, jocko, and I still like a good fart joke when I hear it. Also, Ethan Hawke’s last three films grossed under $100 million worldwide while Adam Sandler’s last three grossed over $500 million. So I’m not alone. Here’s hoping your pretention gets you laid tonight, eh?

So guys like jokes about poop. And cocks. And urine. We like things that stick, run, ooze, and throb. Most of us, though, aren’t household names and can’t demand $20 million for a movie, so we don’t tend to make scatalogical jokes in mixed company. I think gross stuff’s funny, but I don’t post scat jokes on Facebook or Twitter, because I’m aware that some people will get offended, and there’s always the threat of that Unfriend or Unfollow button. I respect my friends enough not to throw shit at them, literally AND figuratively.

Although you’d think they’d respect me enough to accept me at my most disgusting. Oh well.

As for this site, well, I don’t usually post disgusting stuff here for the same reason. James Joyce might have been able to get away with a big shit scene in Ulysses, but so far I lack the literary merit and clout of James Joyce (I’m more likely to end up like Adam Sandler anyway), and if I did write a scene about taking a dump, it’d probably be precisely for obscene and prurient reasons. I’m not as noble as Joyce either.

Also, I don’t say the sort of things I’m talking about here in front of my wife. As far as scatalogical humor is concerned, she’s effectively humorless.

Which brings me to the point of this particular post. If there’s a new paradigm wherein even the most proper male among us can vent his need for semen jokes, it’s TEXT MESSAGING. That’s right! You find the right buddy, and the two of you can exchange insults, observations, and innuendo to your hearts’ content. It’s convenient, immediate, and private. Yeah, I know Big Brother might be listening, but I don’t think he sees such idiotic escapism as a threat. Hell, if he’s a guy, I bet our exchanges are an amusing diversion from his otherwise boring workday.

You want some examples, don’t you. Of course you do! So here you go - a few choice exchanges between me and a couple of my friends. I’m not gonna reveal to you which guy in each exchange is me, though. Suffice it to say that I’m the guy with the slightly better vocabulary.

Now, I respect you, dear reader, so I warn you. The following text exchanges are not for children. Or prudes. And they are 100% genuine. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you my phone sometime.

Conversation #1

Man 1: Well?

Man 2: Rule me out. Tell her I said happy birthday.

Man 1: OK. She said fuck off. Thanks for coming. Ur not welcome anymore, Mr. Never Puts The Seat Down. We even made u ice.

Conversation #2

Man 1: Defendor was a pretty good movie, Butt Farkus

Man 2: Woody Harrelson starred in Defendor. YOU starred in SPHINCTOR. Coprophagist.

Conversation #3

Man 1: Cfyffhffhrethhgggfffjjygddvbjjqwrfcssgjjvxdhhxsgbbjktxvhhfgkippo

Man 1: Did you get my text?

Man 2: Yeah. I don’t believe a word of it.

Conversation #4

Man 1: What DOES semen taste like?

Man 2: Chicken

Man 1: Do you like chicken?

Man 2: I like choking it.

Conversation #5

Man 1: I got a gaper!

Man 2: I’ll give you a gaper.

Man 1: I meant paper. I can’t come tomorrow, I got a paper to do. Damn auto-correct.

Man 1: Thanks, though.

Conversation #6

Man 1: Your pussy is so fat, it looks like a stack of pork chops turned sideways. Your asscrack is more humid than the Amazon River Basin. Your asshole is a swamp.

Man 2: Your pussy tastes like hobo dick.

Man 1: That’s funny, ’cause ur hobo dick tastes like my pussy. And your balls taste like hummus.

Man 2: It’s because they’re Muslim. You, sir, are a Republican. You wish Rush Limbaugh would spread those ample buttcheeks and let you plow him like an Idaho potato field.

Man 1: Ur a Teabagger. In both senses of the word.

Man 2: I dunk my donuts in the aqua Buddha mouth of Rand Paul.

Man 1: Every time u touch ur cock, Glenn Beck tells a lie.

Man 2: But unlike you, I’ve never had my gaping maw filled with the viscous semen of Sean Hannity.

Man 2: And Glenn Beck must tell a lot of lies.

See? Foul, foul, foul, foul, foul. But up until now, conversations like these (if you can call them such) were between us guys. So how about you, dear reader? “Dude”? How are you using the new communications technologies available to us in the 21st century?